I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
