Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
