i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
