grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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