Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
