Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Is it because I queefed?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
