just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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