she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
