party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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