Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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