if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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