some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
porn star boner night. come get it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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