After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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