I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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