My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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