So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
