I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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