His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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