having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
