I want to make a zoo with you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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