My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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