I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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