listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
