so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
