he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Panties = found
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
