Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
