I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
