I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
