Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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