waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
