There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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