My Higher Power is John Stamos
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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