i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
