I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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