our cab driver is having phone sex.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
