Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
