One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
