I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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