Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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