If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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