The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
