hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
