I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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