Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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