u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
