remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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