Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
