Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
