the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
