I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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