i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
