I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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