Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
