I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
