I think I won the penis lottery.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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