There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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