Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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