I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
