The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
