fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
